Well hello, Mr. Cheney, and welcome to Hell!
I hope that the staff has been treating you well
You'll get used to the noise, you'll get used to the
smell . . . .
And once you're acclimated, we hope you will begin
To reverse the downward spiral that our enterprise is in.
We're losing our focus, we're losing our grip
Our overnight ratings are starting to slip
Lately even the Pope has been giving us lip!
We need a boardroom shakeup, we need an iron fist
And Cheney is the name atop our search committee's list.
We've followed you closely for many a year
Your vision, your values, your brilliant career
And we think that your methods can be applied here . . . .
So all our operations will undergo review
That Cheney touch could do so much to boost our revenue!
So consider the challenge, consider the stakes
Your resume proves that you have what it takes —
The courage to never admit your mistakes!
And may I say how much we all admire your work
That charming Prince of Darkness shtick, that snarky little smirk!
The team is on board and the offer's sincere
You'll have a free hand and we won't interfere
The whole organization is thrilled that you're here!
The crisis is averted, our fortunes have revived
And Hell is bound to prosper now that Cheney has arrived
And Hell is bound to prosper now . . . Dick Cheney has arrived!
(We're taking drastic measures, we hope it's not too late
But who would think . . . Damnation Inc. . . .
could sink to such a state!)